souvenir paralysis
Going into this trip, the souvenirs that I planned on finding to remember this experience was jewelry, because it was easy to carry and would last forever.
On the last night we were in Rome, some girls bought some earrings that looked like mosaics that were so beautiful and they were told they could only be found in Vatican City. I was skeptical about this since we were going to Ravenna which is known for their mosaics and hoped I could find some more.
Many of our girls ended up finding more mosaic jewelry in Ravenna but I wasn’t there when they found it. I had been pretty picky with the souvenirs up to this point and hadn’t felt super strongly about buying much, but this jewelry was something I really wanted. The last museum we were going to in Ravenna had a gift shop with a small selection of earrings and I stood staring at them for probably 20 minutes. There weren’t any that I was super drawn to and was just feeling like I needed to get some because I might not find them again. But I didn’t want to buy something I didn’t love and I knew that the glass for this came from a small island near Venice, so they were bound to have more of a selection there. So I didn’t buy any.
We got to Venice and there were none. The stores were filled with Marono glass, but no mosaics. Everyday I would see my friends wear the earrings and necklaces they got from that same gift shop and have a pit in my stomach that I didn’t just choose some and move on like they could. In my head I kept just telling myself that it’s not that deep but I was really jealous and beat myself up for being so picky.
Then we get to Florence and I recieve an excited text from my friend that she found the mosaic jewelry in a market and I must come quickly.
At this point I didn’t think I’d see that jewelry again had decided to get over it and appreciate what I had.
Honestly deciding which ones to get made me really anxious, especially the ones for gifts. I got a great deal on it and was exciting to have found them but for some reason I still felt very anxious afterwards. I just kept thinking about the ones I didn’t get that I should have gotten instead and would just spiral.
That night when I was going through all the ones I got I decided I needed more to help the feeling of anxiety go away. I planned to go show a friend who had also wanted to find the jewelry where they were so I could buy more and wouldn’t be with the friends I was with when I bought the others so they wouldn’t know. For some reason I felt shameful about it.
When the time came to go I just really didn’t have it in me. The thought came to not go. Estelle often says that sometimes we need to choose to love our choice. So I did. I decided that was all I needed and it was enough. And I felt peace.
I think I’ve realized that when there are so many choices in front of me, I become paralyzed and it almost seems easier to get nothing. Or buy more when I feel like I made the wrong choice.
I admire my friend Shelby’s ability to see something she likes and just buys it. She doesn’t need to ponder on it forever and look at every option. There is power in being able to identify what speaks to you and act in faith.
And I think this is a very valuable lesson for me. When I very self conscious and overthink my choice I think it’s because I feel insecure about what others may think of my choice.
I want to practice choosing what I would love and loving that choice. And trying not to worry that there will be something better later. Because later is not now.
Written later: I think this is a valuable lesson for me. When I found the earrings I wanted, I never felt fulfilled as I was picturing I would be if I had them. And that’s just the thing. The things of the world will never fill us when we use them to replace feelings of peace and joy that comes from Jesus Christ.
